A Bit Clueless

So this morning, I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper where I've written the heading, "Why do I want to go to Kenya?"

I'm so frustrated because I am unable to articulate part of that answer.

So underneath the heading I wrote these questions:

1. What is it that drives my passion? (seemingly, to take part in work with global missions)

2. Where does this passion come from?

3. How can I use my gifts and talents with all of this?

The good news: God knows my heart, He knows the answer to ALL of these questions

The frustrating news: He hasn't allowed me to be privy to parts of these questions...yet.

I know this for sure. I am gifted with mercy. I can literally feel/take on, the pain others experience at times. That causes me to feel an urgency to help people in extremely difficult situations. I can see how that would fit in nicely. People that do not have their basic needs met definitely apply to this and I know that along with meeting their physical needs, the real way to give them hope and rest is through Christ.

But why Kenya? Why globally? Why am I not AS passionate about staying here in the U.S. and doing the same thing? This is what KILLS me.....I don't know! At the same time, who am I to doubt a strong desire that God has given me?

I realized the importance of knowing my own strengths, passions, and desires today. My life is supposed to be lived to help others know perfect love. I am to be effective in that job. How am I supposed to be effective without knowing which areas I am to show that love?

**side note...I could NOT figure out for the life of me whether or not I should put 'effective' or 'affective' in the sentences above :) So if I am wrong, pardon the error**

Big lesson learned: A key element to living a life that glorifies God is KNOWING yourself.

I'm preeetty sure that if I ask God to help me do this...He would be more than glad to oblige :)

Building Some Sand Castles?

Beautiful song by Jennifer Knapp-Faithful To Me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves

I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

Just to watch them all wash away...

So true. I, like the lyrics in this song, have wasted so much time recklessly building my own dreams in the sand. Sometimes (let's be honest, most of the time) I just want what I want when I want it. So I just charge through God's perfect timing and seize whatever that may be at the moment. Or at least I try...

Thank goodness He is merciful. Thank goodness He protects me. I sometimes reach for things that may not be the best for me. Why is it human nature to want to do things on our own? What is it that keeps causing me to forget that God has a perfect plan for my life?

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

His loving eye.

When someone loves you, don't they want the best for you?

Yep.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

So what happens when I want something that God doesn't want me to have? That sounds like a bit of a problem wouldn't ya say? Here's what Elisabeth Elliot says on the subject (by the way, I love her, she's super wise).

"He (God) wanted Adam and Eve to be happy but He didn't give them everything they wanted. He knew it would be the death of them. So they got mad and decided he didn't love them and was being stingy when he told them not to touch the fruit. How could he love them if he didn't let them have it? They put more stock in the snake's reasoning than in God's."

Where are you placing your trust? In your own limited resources/vision/knowledge or in God who has infinite amounts of resources/vision/and yes..knowledge and most importantly, knows our hearts much better than we ever will. :)

"Happy (insert holiday of your choice)!"

I thoroughly enjoy my part-time job. I work at a Hallmark store at a local mall. My co-workers are fun, I get to help people pick out gifts and cards, and I get a discount. Not bad. I also enjoy chatting it up with customers. We have a bunch of "regulars" that come in and like to talk.

We also get some weirdos. I love weird people. I love to watch them and to ponder on what it is that makes them so peculiar. But there are two kinds of weird.

There are the harmless weirdos. This would be the 70 year old woman that comes in and tells me about the stuffed animal she bought, named Chloe, and sleeps with every night and then goes on to explain that she enjoys watching tv with her numerous cats. This is also "weird whistling man" who comes in every Saturday at the same time and just walks around the store whistling the same tune. Harmless weirdos are great. They are fun and make life much more interesting.

Then there are WEIRDO'S. I use all caps because I really don't have one word to categorize them. This type of weirdo is the one who comes in during holidays and likes to wish everyone a "Happy _______" in a tone that insinuates that if someone does not celebrate this 'said holiday', they are a complete and utter moron. The sad part is, this sort of weirdo is usually a Christian.

Yikes.

I am a Christian. I believe in God. I think J.C. is the man. All of that. It's not good that these people are freaking ME out....what would someone that doesn't believe in God think? Let me help you...they would think, "This person is a judgemental, close-minded WEIRDO."

Joyce Meyer talks about this a little in one of her devotionals. She addresses the fact that a lot of us (Christians) like to have our fish sticker thingies and what not to make sure people can identify us as a believer...but do we then go out and make sure we are 'acting' like Jesus would? And when I say acting like Jesus, I mean are we loving people without judgement or reservation? We should be identifed that way.

Maybe we should keep our 'Happy Blah Blah Blah's' to ourselves and stop freakin' people out. :)

Student Teaching = No Time For Blogging

Welllllllllllllllll it's been a long time! You might be wondering (or you might not, that's okay too) why have I not blogged for such a very long time? Two words...

student teaching.

I am student teaching in Upper Darby (close to Philly) for a class of kindergartners. It's been quite an experience, probably one of the most trying experiences I have ever had (I now understand why Arnold had such a tough time).

You may be chuckling and thinking to yourself, "Mandy these kids are what, 5 years old? How hard is it to teach them about their shapes and colors???? Seriously??"

Okay, seriously, I'll be honest...the curriculum is not hard. Yes I am teaching them their shapes, colors, how to read, and the like. What is hard is loving these kids day in and day out even when they don't listen to a darn thing I say (which happens more often than I'd like). I mean really why, oh why did I sign up to teach in the first place? Well I am good with kids, I think they are great, and I thought I might as well make money doing what I'm good at. But when you wake up at 6 every morning and get ready to go to a job where you have twenty 5 and 6 year olds in a room for 6 hours you need a little more motivation than a salary.

So this student teaching experience has taught me a lot. It is also supposed to help me decide if teaching is really for me.

I'm still not sure. . .

Does that worry me?

Yes.

So I still don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life?

Nope.

Even after all these years of college?

Yep.

Do I know that if I continue to listen for God's guidance that He will provide me with a job that will include my passions and my talents?

Yes.

It's all down to the when and where. Right now, I'm pretty sure He just wants me to graduate and get THE HECK out of college. Then, I'm planned up until about oohhhhh...August. After that....????? Your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway...I'm back...going to try to blog more (it may not really pick up until May 2nd, GRADUATION!)...and am waiting on God to show me what's next :)

My Brothers

I feel the need to give my "brothers" a shout out.  What I mean when I say "brothers" are some awesome guy friends that I have been blessed with.  These guys have been great to get to know over the past few years and I just feel so lucky to be able to call them friends!!

Now ladies....we all know that not many things can top a girl's night...I'm not trying to argue that!  But there is just something also very special about hanging out with some of your guy friends as well.

Tonight I went out to a little social gathering, party, what have you with a big group of friends from my church.  We had an awesome time playing games and just laughing with each other!

On our drive home, I was actually "stuck" with 4 of my guy friends.  By the time the ride was over, my stomach hurt from laughing so hard.  It's so cool to feel as though I can just be myself around these guys.  

Why do I feel that way?

Because I know they respect me, and in turn I respect them.  I know that they would be there for me if I needed them to.  I also know that they care about me as their sister.  Those things mean a lot to me.  It makes me feel safe, cared for, and valued.  

I understand that there are boundaries that need to be put in place in any guy/girl friendship, and I enjoy those healthy relationships.  I see Jesus in the guys I hang out with.

So brothers, whether you be my "little brothers" or my "older brothers"...just know...you are AWESOME!

My little friend Ashee

2 year olds love Photobooth :) (not to say I didn't have my fair share of fun!)

Dream Big

 I have had some far-out big dreams for my life since I became a Christian.

Why?

Because for the first time I felt as though I could dream big.  Because I came to understand that if I was doing something for God, he could give me whatever I needed to get there.

Some of them include...

-working at an orphanage in Morocco

-dropping everything to do missionary work wherever God calls me

-working in Children's Ministry

-working in Youth Ministry

-working in Adult Ministry

-teaching elementary school

-joining the Peace Corps

Some of them can be eliminated from the list because of having experiences in that area and just realizing it wasn't for me...and others I think I have mentally erased because I felt like I was dreaming too big....

Am I?!?

It's so easy to get comfortable where you are in life.  Being a college student, I go to class, do my homework, hang out with friends, lead a small group, go to cru, etc etc.  and all the while I am realizing that it has been MONTHS since I have REALLY challenged myself.

Being a senior in college is exciting/difficult/nerve wracking.  I am excited to move onto the next chapter of my life buuuuut....what if you don't know what's going to be in that chapter?  Like not even the TITLE of the chapter?  It freaks me out.

All I know is, I need to begin to challenge myself again.  I need to feel uncomfortable.  I need to start taking leaps of faith.  

Why?

Because God can do great things through me.  He can do great things through you.  Heck, look at what he did with Paul.  This guy was a murder/persecutor of Christians.  He had complete hatred for them.  Then God turns his life upside down and he finds himself preaching to these people, encouraging their faith, and bringing people to Jesus.  Or my man Moses.  Moses apparently did not have any skills in the public speaking arena.  He was a simple guy, with a simple job, and a simple life.  Then all of a sudden God asks him to lead this huge group of people out of captivity and to PART THE RED SEA.  I bet he never imagined that God would use him to such a great capacity.   

What do they both have in common?  They both stepped out in faith AND they both must have been scared to do so.

The way God got Paul's attention was to make him temporarily BLIND.  Scary.  Also, God called Paul to speak to both Jews and Gentiles.   Hmm that's a bit scary considering the fact that the guy had just converted from Judaism to Christianity annnnd he had been killing the Gentiles.  I'm sure he thought that maybe both of these groups were a LITTLE annoyed with him.

And as I said about Moses.  He was a simple guy.  It says when he was having a conversation with God that he kept trying to tell God that he was not a very eloquent speaker, so imagine his surprise when God asks him to speak to the PHARAOH among other important people.

You never know what God is going to ask you to do.  

I think I stopped listening.  I stopped listening because usually when God asks me to do something, it involves that step of faith.  It involves me trusting that he isn't going to make me look stupid or that my efforts will not amount to anything.  

So I've posted a few verses on my wall.  One of them being....

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

What is your BIG dream?  What are you passionate about?  Don't let fear get in the way of pursuing it.